Upset the Vows - Part 5

Tim Ross | March 21, 2021

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Transcription

All right, so this is Week 5 of Upset The Vows. Y'all still here? Y'all still married though?

All right, so we're four down. This is five. Then we have four more on the other side of this, six, seven, eight, and nine. I just want you to know that we're halfway through. I'm very excited about what God has been doing. I'm excited about what God has been saying. I've been very encouraged by the testimonies that you all have been sharing. Again, whether you are in here or you are watching us there, we thank you so much for being a part of what this series means to the Body of Christ and also to the world.

If you are taking notes, I'm going to jump right into what I'm so excited to talk about because this weekend I get to talk about the S-word. 

The S-word. 

Y'all ready for that word?

Make some noise if you're ready for the S-word.

Good. We're talking about submission.

Yes, get hyped. Keep that same energy.

I need you to keep that same energy for that S-word right there. We're talking about submission in marriage. What S-word was you thinking about?

That's Week 8. It'll be great. We're going to talk about submission in marriage. Now, I know I know this is kind of a let down. Soon as you heard sub, you were like, "No."

Then I hit you with that mission, and you were like, "Oh, God." This is a word that needs to be redeemed in our marriages. Because this is one of the sexiest words in a relationship is submission. Now, because this word, especially as it relates to marriages, especially as it relates to wives, this has been one of the most abused words in church towards women. It's been one of the most abused words in the church for wives. It has been used as a tool of manipulation. It has been used as a tool of control. I am going to redeem that today.

If you have been operating in manipulation and control with this word in your marriage, you're going to be exposed today. You will no longer be able to get away with it after this weekend because your wife, sir, is going to have full context and if you think that neck was popping before she's going to add snaps. [snaps fingers] I want to talk to you about submission in marriage, and I want to read this fuller narrative in Ephesians 5 starting at the 21st verse. Now, there's something very interesting that happens in 21 if you read it in context to the previous verses. Paul starts talking about what it means to live a spirit-led life. He talks about the fact that you shouldn't be drunk with wine but you should be filled with the Holy Spirit and singing songs and spiritual songs and praising. He's talking about a life being filled with the spirit.

Then he goes on to say, "And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." After he says when you're overflowing with the spirit and you're singing all your songs and your spiritual songs, I want you to keep that same energy and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. [verse 22] "For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything."

Now, let's pause right here because this is where a lot of wives start going, "Oh, no. The devil is a lie. I'm reading through the Bible and stuff, but I don't know if that really means that. Submitting in everything." It's amazing how many men have had selective Scripture selection and only point to that verse. Now, there's three verses that say to the woman, the wife in the relationship, you need to submit to your husband, but I'm about to read six verses about what the husband is supposed to do for the wife.

I'm going to tell you right now. Ladies, you don't have the biggest burden. You got light work. This is why this word is going to get redeemed in your marriage because you got it good. All you have to do is submit to your husband as the church does to the Lord, but do you know what this man got to do? Men, have you heard this? You've been pointing at them three verses telling her to shut up, but these next six verses is about to kill you. You about to die. All she got to do is submit. You got to bleed out.

Here's what it says. [verse 25] "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church."  What? "He gave up His life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to Himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself."

I could do a whole sermon on that sentence right there. [verse 28] "For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself." A man who does not love his wife like Christ loves the church actually doesn't love himself. When you find a man that cannot treat a woman right, that means he can't treat himself right. He actually treats her the way he sees himself. If he abuses her, it's because he abuses himself. If he talks down to her, it's because he's talking down to himself. He sees her as a reflection and if he don't love him, he can't appreciate him so he can't love him.

"No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of His body. As the Scriptures say, 'A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

S-word. Y'all still hyped?

S-word. Let's talk about submission in marriage. Bow your heads, let's pray real quick, shall we? Holy Spirit, help us to submit to each other. Amen.

Paul brings up this narrative and he makes a statement that I hope you really get and understand. He says, let's be very clear that the husband is the head of the wife and they need to have mutual submission to each other. There's not supposed to be this dominating force in the family structure. There's actually supposed to be mutual submission to each other, but he does point to an order. He does point to a structure.

Now, the reason why there's been so much controversy over this structure is because if you don't have two submitted people in the relationship, that structure automatically breaks down. If you don't have two people that are mutually submitted to each other, the structure automatically breaks down. Paul just doesn't say it in Ephesians 5, he also says it in 1 Corinthians 11:3, and I love the way he sets this up because it's very very pointed. Here is what it says, "But there is one thing I want you to know"--

Paul is a theologian, okay? Let's just say that right now. Paul is a theologian. There's a whole bunch of stuff that Paul saw and got revelations for being in the presence of the Lord that we should know, but he says right here in 1 Corinthians 11:3, "But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." I'm going to read that again. "But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."

Now, if you just take that one sentence, here's what we find; submission all the way around. "The head of every man is Christ." That's submission right there. Then, "The head of woman is man." There's submission again. "The head of Christ is God." There's submission again. Christ is submitted, the man is submitted, and the woman is submitted. There's not someone in the relationship that's unsubmitted that's telling the other person, "You should submit." The person that is requesting for submission is submitted to the person in the relationship that's actually running the whole thing, and it ain't the husband or the wife.

[chuckles] Now, I'm about to make a statement and I want you to write it down, it's very important, but I want to give a disclaimer. The disclaimer I want to give is that I know that we have a lot of people represented in our church and a lot of people watching online that may not come from an American family construct. You may have a family structure, whether it's Southeast Asian, whether it's Middle Eastern, whether it's in Latin America, whether it's in the Caribbean, or African countries where it's very patriarchal. The man is,  "The head of the house. What I say goes. It's the way it was for my daddy and his daddy and his daddy's daddy, so it's going to be here."

I'm going to make a statement right now, and I just laid the biblical foundation for it so if you mad at anybody, look up. Don't come this way. Take it straight up, okay? Please write this down. Man is not the head of his household. Christ is. [chuckles]  "I'm the man of this house." No and yes. Yes and no. You are a man in the house but you're not the head of the household. We just read Scripture. You are the head of your wife. Christ is the head of this house.

That's how it's going to all work because if Christ is not the head of this house and one of us is having a bad day, who is going to check us? If you're mad and I'm mad and there's not somebody else running this house to tell us what to do, how is this going to work out? Do you know that half the marriages in church end in divorce just like they do in the world? I think one of the reasons why is because they truly don't have Christ running the household.

They truly are not submitted to somebody else in the house. They're trying to run it. That wife is trying to get some power,  "He ain't going to tell me what to do. I'm strong and independent." Then the man is like,  "You ain't that-- You're going to bow down. You're going to respect me." You go to your mutual corners and satan is there.  "You should have said this."

"The next time when that bell rings and you go back out there, you remind them what they did last June when they had on that red sweater, and y'all was about to order at Sonic and they had the nerve to say"-- That's not the Holy Spirit reminding you of all things Jesus said.

That is Satan reminding you of what your spouse said because y'all are trying to run the house and Christ is nowhere to be found. Why submit? Why even submit to-- There's a clash there. There seems to be like it's oil and water. I want my way, he wants his way, she wants her way. Why submit? Well, we submit because of what Christ has done. Not what we have done. We submit because of what Christ has done, okay?

I want to give you three points to this message and then we out, good? Point number one, please write this down, submit to the Holy Spirit. You must be submitted to the Holy Spirit in your relationship. He is the legal counsel. He is the one that leads us and guides us into all truth. It's amazing to me how many spirit-filled, tongue-talking, prophesying, word of knowledge-having, discernment, I walk in the fivefold ministry gifts, God's anointing is on me, and you can't be nice to your spouse.

You got a Bible verse for everything and don't have a good word for your spouse. The Holy Spirit gives you a prophetic word for everybody except you. "God gave me a word for you." Did you have a word for your tone last night? Is God giving you a word when you're scrolling through Instagram? It's going to be tight today, y'all.

Y'all look like you're watching an action movie.

I'm loving these sound effects today. This is great. We have to be submitted to the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit is the one that's leading us and guiding us into all truth. Here's what it says in John 14:26, "But when the Father sends the Advocate-" and this word Advocate is better than the word Comforter because comforter implies, "There, there. Oh, who hurt you today?"

No. Advocate is like, "My attorney just showed up. Shut up, don't say anything, let me speak on your behalf.""I plead the Fifth.""I would like to apologize-- Apologize?" "Yes, apologize to him." "But he's the one that--" "I would like to apologize"-- Excuse me. "I just want to-- You know sometimes, I get controlling and maybe I took that out of proportion."

"But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative- that is, the Holy Spirit- he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you." We have to be submitted to the Holy Spirit in our relationships.

Now, here's the reason why this is so important. I've been married almost 22 years to this lovely woman on this front row with that hair swept to the side looking fine. I love everything about you. In the 22 years that- almost 22 years that we've been married, 23 years that we've been knowing each other, there's been a lot of apologizing. Because after I'm in my feelings, or I see a different perspective or even if I don't see a different perspective, because I'm submitted to Christ, the Holy Spirit goes,  "Yes, so I'm going to need you to apologize. I'm going to need you to tell the truth about what you did." I'm like, "I didn't even get caught. What am I apologizing for?" "Vulnerability, Tim. Get it out there."

If you're in a Christ-centered marriage, you're not going to be comfortable arguing all the time, bickering all the time, drama all the time. The Holy Spirit will constantly be tap dancing on you if you are in a relationship and both of y'all call yourself believers, that's my disclaimer. This marriage series is not for people that don't believe in Jesus. They're doing whatever they want to do, how they want to do it. They're getting some of the meat and throwing away the bones, whatever they don't like as it pertains to our faith.

I'm talking to believers in Jesus Christ who say that they are submitted. There is absolutely no way that both of y'all could be submitted to the Holy Spirit and the only complaints you have is about what they're doing. Because the Holy Spirit shows up to remind you about you, not about her, not about him.  "Well, he don't do this," and the Holy Spirit is like, "But you don't do that," and you're like, "But we're not talking about that on today." We have to be submitted to what the Holy Spirit is telling us to do in our relationships.

Point number two, please write this down, husbands love your wives. Now, I'm excited that I'm teaching this. This is one of my favorite lessons to teach to marriages because Paul's instructions to the husband and the wife are actually not the same thing. Paul commands the husband to love. He commands the wife to respect. He doesn't even tell them to do the same things. He says, you love, you respect.  What? How come he didn't choose to tell them both to love? Because the actions that are coming towards each other in a marriage are actually different, but they are reciprocal things that should just overflow over and over and over again.

When we talk about love, this is a word in the Greek- the Greek word is Agapeo, where we get the word Agape Love. By definition, it means to cherish, to have affection for, to love, take pleasure in. Those last three words are the biggest ones that you should underline; prove one's love. Agapeo, where we get the word Agape, that type of love is not just a feeling. It's an act. Agapeo is an action word. I am showing you how much I love you. I am acting out my love. You can see it. It is on display.

Now, I want you to think about this. This same word is what got Jesus put on the cross. We tell people, "Hey, there's a Savior that loves you, and you should give your life to Him." Here's the response, "What did He do?" "He died for you." "Okay, I'm listening." "He loved you so much, He went to the cross and died for your sins. He bled out on the cross for you." "I'm listening."

Ain't that completely different from, "Hey, would you like to give your life to Jesus Christ? He loves you." "Who is this?" "Just a guy. He just loves you." "Really? What about Him?" "He just sent us with a letter as His disciples to tell you He loves you. You're awesome. He thinks you're awesome." "Is he going to do anything?" "No, He just loves you, and he told you already so accept it." "But what did He do for me?" He just has strong feelings towards you. He just loves you."

Is, "For God so loved the world that He said, 'Love you.'" He just, "Hey, I told you I love you. How come you don't- you don't believe Me? I said I loved you. Ain't that enough?" No. Agapeo is an action word. You got to show me. This is the same word that has gotten men into debt trying to show women,  "Girl, I'm all about you." Whether you got to do it on a budget at Burger King or you can afford a Ruth's Chris, it's like, "I got to show you my love." It's a sacrifice. The diamond most of y'all wear we're still paying off. Why? We're trying to show that we love you.

Let me tell you something. Husbands, in a marriage you have to show that love. You just can't say it. You have to do something. In that marriage, the energy it took you to get that woman is the same energy you'll have to show up with to keep that woman because this is an action word, and I just keep showing you how much I love you.

It's a sacrifice.  Hey, what is a sacrifice, Tim? It's when you do something for the other person's benefit even though it may or may not benefit you. Sacrifice is a sacrifice when it feels like one. There's a lot of people say they sacrifice in their marriage, but you really don't. You just like doing that but that's not what your wife is asking for. She wants you to do the dishes.  "I don't do dishes." Time to bleed.

You got three kids under five. You made them. I don't want to have to bump up the weeks. I'll cover sex in Week 8, but you did something, sir. Three kids there,  "I don't change diapers." Time to bleed. "Hey, I need to sit down. We need to talk about something. You hurt me." "I don't talk. I'm just not a talker." How did y'all get married? You text her the whole time? It's convenient that you want to talk when it suits you but not to suits her. Remember, you're supposed to love your wife like Christ loved the church.

Now, if we literally had to get on a cross, there would be a lot less marriages. Men would be like,  "You know what? I'm not sure. I'm thinking about it but the whole whipping and the nails in the-- I don't know if I can do that for you. She's cute." It's not a sacrifice until it feels like a sacrifice, gentlemen. You might need to ask your wives when you leave, if you're watching you might need to ask your wives, "What are three to five things that I could do to show my love in action that would be a blessing to you?"

My wife said, "On a regular basis."

Don't just do it one time and be like,  "Knocked out that list." I'm telling you, three to five things. Ladies, don't go over five because you know we can't remember that much, so don't overload us.

Three to five things. What are three to five things that I can do to express my love to you in action that would just make you be like,  "Oh, my gosh, I love this man"? Because you have to show it. It has to be expressed. To show one's love mean you have to act on it and like Juliette just said, it must be consistent. Your love can't make cameo appearances and you expect to have a great marriage.

Okay, Holy Spirit. Some of y'all are married and that's it. You're just married. That might be one of the saddest two words when people drive off in the car and they use the white stuff to put on the back of-- We're just married. Just married means that you'll just get along good enough to stay together. Just married means that you'll do just enough for you not to be mad at me. Just married means I'll do just enough for you not to leave me. I don't want to be just married. I want the marriage to be great, but for a great marriage to happen it takes work. For the husband, it means sacrifice. It means you're looking for opportunities to sacrifice, to show that love and keep that energy for a great marriage.

Point number three, please write this down, wives respect your husbands. Now, the reason why I started with the husbands is because this respect thing for wives would not be an issue if the men would do their job. If you think I'm a little heavy-handed on the guys today, I am because this is the absolute truth.

Now, let me disclaim and say there are at least 15% of women that are just crazy. They are toxic, unhealthy, too crazy for a relationship and it doesn't matter how good a man will treat you, you can't handle it. You're used to dysfunction, you're used to drama, so you cannot contain love. You do not need to be married. You have a hole in your soul. Doesn't matter how much we pour in, it would just fall out. Just in case you thought I was just going to be too-- I'm going to balance out these scales a little bit, okay?

Why does Paul say wives respect your husbands and not love your husbands? Because it's the default for the woman to love. I got you. The men are the givers. The women are the receivers. When this beautiful union comes together, he says, "Hey, listen, sacrifice for her because if you sacrifice for her, you won't have a problem with her respecting you."

I don't know many women that has a man who sacrifices for her on a regular basis who doesn't respect that man. Now, like I said, 15%. I've counseled them. I've tried to find something that that dude is doing wrong and I'm like, "No, boo, that's just you. You have trauma and you can't handle a good man. You deserve a Tyler Perry movie. You just can’t, you can't, you don't know how. You want to get punched. You don't feel like you're loved until you get thrown an uppercut. I don't know. You need-- Leave everybody alone and go to Kairos. You need some help."

Let me tell you what this word Phobeo means. Phobeo means to be afraid, to fear. That's in context to God, so please, man, don't write this down going home talking about  "You better fear me. You heard the pastor. You fear me." No. To become frightened, reverence and respect. To have reverence or respect. Here's what the woman is commanded to do, respect that man.

Now, remember that the whole marriage is a picture of Christ and His church. Why do we show up here every Sunday? My man. To show reverence to God. We as the church, the bride, show up to show reverence and honor to Christ. Why? Because of what He's done for us, and so we come in here, You are worthy to be praised. You are exalted above all. You are high and lifted up.

Husbands, could you imagine, could you imagine coming home, garage door opening, 5:30, you come in from a long day. You walk in the house, your wife is like,  "You are worthy. I lift you high above all. There is no other man like you. Get in here. I'm about to minister to you.You deserve it."

"If you want it, you can have it. If you need it, it's yours. It's yours."

That's Week 8 but I'm just saying, some of them praise songs could flip for some spiritual R&B. Anyway. Reverential respect is what a woman gives to a man who sacrifices. It ain't hard. It ain't a stretch. When two people are mutually submitted to Christ, then they are submitted to each other. There's certain things that go on in the house, and Juliette will have a very clear plan on what to do and I'm like, "Yes." Nothing is taken away from me as the man if she makes a decision and I agree with it.

It don't all have to come from me. If it did, that's my own pride and ego that I'm trying to force into the relationship because I feel like,  "I need to make the final decision." Well, if she is me and I am her, I did make the decision. It just came from my more beautiful side. Remember, we're both submitted to Christ. I am the head of my wife. That's the biblical order that God gave, it has not changed, but me being her head doesn't mean that I dominate her because she is my body. A head with no body can't get nothing done, and a body with no head can't think straight. We literally can't think at all.

What am I saying? I'm saying submit to each other. Work on your communication skills. Talk. Differ. "What do you feel about this?" "Well, I felt this." "Well, here's how I feel." "I don't know about that." "Well, then let's just sleep on it. Let's talk about it again in a week."  "Hey, I really feel strongly that the Lord said do this." "Well, if that's what you felt the Lord said, I don't feel nothing against it. I have total peace. If that's what you want to do, let's do."

When there's mutual submission in marriage, I'm telling you, y'all can get some stuff done. One could chase 1,000, two could chase 10,000. When you're in agreement, the enemy can't do anything to disrupt you. When you're both submitted-- Can we just recreate the scenario of Adam and Eve real quick?

If they really understood biblical submission, Eve would have went to Adam one evening and been like,  "Babe, the Lord said we couldn't have that Tree of Life but it looks so good. It just looks delicious. I've been struggling with that thing. Every time I see it, it looks delicious. I want to have it. The serpent said"-- Adam would have just, "The serpent? You were talking to the serpent?" "Yes, he told me that I won't surely die." Then Adam would have been like, "Baby, yes, you will. You're not going to drop dead but you're going to start dying. Why don't we go ask the Lord about that?"

I just want you to imagine them holding hands, butt naked in the Garden.

Walking straight through the Garden. I don't know when the Lord came in the cool of day. I don't know if he came every day at 7:30. I don't know. They're walking butt naked in the Garden, God walk up. They're like,  "Hey, God. Good to see you. Thanks for creating us. Yes, so we were talking about that Tree of Life right there. It's delicious. Serpent said"-- "You were talking to the serpent?" "Yes, he just said we won't die." God would have been like, "Yes, you will die, but I'm so glad you came to Me. Thank y'all for being submitted to each other and then be submitted to Me.

Now, here's why you don't need to touch that Tree of Life because if you touch that Tree of Life"-- I'm sorry, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil- I kept saying Tree of Life- but the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, you would have surely died. Since you came to Me first, why don't you go ahead and have a bite out of that Tree of Life. We're just going to all live for the rest of time with 72 degrees. You ain't got to be worried about getting bit by a snake, a mountain lion running up on you, murdering you in the middle of a hike because you were submitted.

I've seen more people have more challenges in their marriage because one person won't stand down. They have too much pride to admit they were wrong. They won't let it go. You said you forgave me and you brought it back up on Thursday. Submit. Everybody do this. Now, do this. Again, now do this. One more time. Then do this. Now, let me give you the example. You don't have to keep doing it but if you want to-

Y'all will never get across to each other standing up. A bridge that won't lay down is not a bridge. It's a wall. You have to submit. If you're wondering, "I don't understand why I can't get across to him." You can't get across a bridge that's standing up, so calm down and get across to each other in a way where you could help each other out.

Would you bow your heads and close your eyes? What is the Holy Spirit saying to you through this message? My hope and my prayer is that you get excited about submission. That the energy you had when I said S-word is now the energy you have for the word submission. I'm telling you, if you get this word, if you really walk this out, man, you'll love to sacrifice. I love doing stuff for my wife that I don't like. Hear me, I'm never going to like sacrificing. I love it, though, because when I sacrifice, there's a level of respect that I receive that is just beautiful. It feeds me in a way that nothing else relationally will.

The question I want to ask is what is the Holy Spirit saying to you? Maybe as a secondary question, what is it that you need to submit? What is it that you need to lay down? Maybe it's pride. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's your ego. Maybe it's low self-esteem. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe it's you being a controlling person. I'm just used to being in control. I don't know how to lay that down. You'll never get across standing up. You got to lay down. Lay down worry, lay down fear, lay down the past. Lay it down.

There may be somebody in this room or watching us who has never submitted their life to Jesus. That's where it starts. Maybe you grew up in the church but you've never actually submitted your life to Jesus as Savior and Lord. You can do so now. This would be a great day for you to give your life to Jesus Christ. My question to you is would you be against submitting your life to Jesus today? Would it be difficult for you to open up your heart and make Jesus Lord?

If you've answered no to those questions, then what would it take for you to give your life to Jesus today? What would it take for you to make a commitment right now? If you want to make that commitment, then while every head is bowed and every eye is closed, if you're watching us online and you want to give your life to Jesus Christ, just type two words, "I'm in." I'm in on submitting my life to Jesus. I'm in on a relationship with Jesus Christ. If you're in this room, while every head is bowed and every eye is closed, and you want to give your life to Jesus, simply raise your hand. Just raise your hand and say, "I want to give my life to Jesus." Thank you.

Father God, I thank You for every person that says I'm in, to every person that says I want a relationship with Jesus. We submit our lives to You. For those of us that are married, we submit our lives to our spouses. Lord God, I pray that more sacrificial love and more reverential respect flow through our marriages like never before. Let it be so attractive that unbelievers are asking, "What the heck are y'all doing? That looks good. We don't have that. How do we get that?" Lord, may our marriages be a testimony and a shining light of what it's like for Christ to love His bride and for the bride to love her Lord. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

I love you guys so much. I'll see you next week. Bye.