Do You Mind? Week 4

Tim Rivers | May 26, 2024

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Transcription

Y'all glad to be here. Welcome, welcome to Embassy City Church. Hey, this is your first time here. If you want to say welcome. We pray that you are blessed that you leave out of here with everything that you need from the Lord and somebody say Amen. Amen. Hey, before we get into this next week, somebody say Next week, next week, 6:00 PM 6:00 PM worship night. It's going to be a good time. If you've never been to a worship night, I make plans to be here because it's going to be refreshing, it's going to be enjoyable, and most of all, the presence of the Lord is going to be here. And so be sure that you're here. Come with your praise shoes on. If you bring your high heels, bring some extra shoes, your praise shoes that you can slip off. Anybody remember growing up in church and seeing people just go barefoot just because they're getting ready to worship, right?

As service begins, they kick off their shoes, they're getting ready. So do that next week at 6:00 PM All right. All right, so this is the fourth week of a series that we're in called Do You Mind? And we've been talking about several topics having to do with mental health. And what we're doing in this series is we're looking at theology and therapy, and we're wanting to look at how can you combine the two to make sure that you have a holistic healing process for you. A lot of churches will steer away from the topic of mental health and therapy because they've identified it as being too fleshly or in some cases demonic. Well, lemme say this, as a pastor, I can tell you that often emotional sickness is the main deterrent from spiritual wholeness because you can come in and get saved and you can have a relationship with Jesus, but if you don't deal with some of the traumas and stresses in your life, your view of God and your view of his church and your view of his Bible will be blurred by things that you have not dealt with. That's why we're taking time to talk about it and somebody say Amen. Amen. Also, the church has mislabeled often what could be a chemical imbalance or trauma response with being demonic. Be very careful with how quick people are to label things demonic, oh, I'm about to get in trouble here. Actually, I'm not because I'm into Word.

There is no scripture, there's no biblical reference. There's no biblical principle for a believer being demon possessed. And there is also no biblical reference for a believer having demonic voices inside of their heads. And I know some people love to talk about it online, and there's YouTube videos about long-term deliverance services and such like things, lemme tell you, God is not sharing his space with no demons. If God occupies your heart, he's not scooching over and let demon jojo come and sit on the couch with him. When you are saved, you become the domain of the Holy Spirit. The only power that a demon or demonic spirits have are external. They can project things to you, but they cannot get inside your mind. So if you're hearing voices, it's either the voice of the spirit or it's your own voice. I am messing people up right there throughout scriptures. Anytime we see somebody that was possessed by demons, they were not believers, and guess how long it took for them to be delivered? Yo demon, see you. That's how quickly deliverance happens. Now, what you may be delivered, what you may need deliverance from even after you're safe is yourself.

People are like I, I'm just bound by the spirit of lust. Well, or you could just put a filter on your phone

Or you could quit going to the places that are bringing that up for you. Oftentimes trauma responses and mental health issues happen because we haven't dealt with them. And so what we're trying to do in this series is remove the stigma of mental health, and we're trying to show you that you are both spiritual and a physical being, and what you do physically has spiritual implications. What you do spiritually has physical implications. Here, lemme prove it to you. You pray physically and you expect there to be spiritual implications. You fast physically and you pray for there to be spiritual implications. You come to church physically and you expect the presence of God spiritually to be here. Why do we steer away from that thinking when it comes to mental health? That's why we're talking about it. God wants you completely healed in your mind, in your emotions, in your body, in your spirit, and somebody say amen. All right, grab your bibles. We're going to judges chapter 16, the book of Judges, chapter 16. We're going to start reading at verse number four, judges 16, verse number four. Here's what the word says after this.

Speaking of s Samson, he loved the woman in the valley of Zurich whose name was Delilah, and the lords of the Philistines came up to her and said to her, seduce him and see where his great strength lies and by why and by what means. We may overpower him that we may bind him to humble him, and we will each give you 1,100 pieces of silver. So Delilah said to Samson, please tell me where your great strength lies. I have small children and how you might be bound that one could subdue you. Red flag number one, Samson is like, Hey, if they bind me with seven fresh bow strings that have not been dried, then I shall become weak and be like any other man. Then the lords of the Philistines brought up to her seven fresh bow strings that had not been dried, and she bound him with them. Now, she had men lying and ambush in the inner chamber, and she said to him, them dudes were all in the closets and behind furniture under the bed. She said to him, the Philistines are upon you Samson, but he snapped the bow strings as a threat of flax snaps when it touches the fire. So the secret of his strength was not known right then. Samson should have just been like, I'm out. No fa, I see what's happening here. Then Delilah said to Samson, behold, you have mocked me and told me lies.

Please tell me how you might be bound. Okay, wait a minute. First you said how I could be subdued. Now you're talking about how I might be bound red flag number two. And he said to her, if they bind me with new ropes that have not been used, then I shall become weak and be like any other man. So Delilah took new ropes and bound him with them and said, well, first of all, what is going through his head as she's tying them up with ropes? Samson got some issues and said to him, the Philistines are upon you, Samson, and the man lying and ambush were in an inner chamber, but he snapped the ropes off his arms like a thread. Then Delilah said to Samson, until now you have mocked me and told me lies. She was relentless. When you understand that 1100 pieces of silver times five because there was five Lords, 5,500 pieces of silver. If you do the conversion to what it it'd be worth today, it would be around 14 to $15 million. That changes the whole story, doesn't it? I thought she was crazy, but please tell me how you may be bound.

And he said to her, if you weave the seven locks of my head with the web and fasten it tight with the pen, then I shall become weak and be like any other man. So while he slept, Delilah took the seven locks of his head and wove them into the web and she made them tight with the pen and said to him, the Philistines are upon you, Samson. But he walked from his sleep, pulled away the pen, the loom and the web, and she said to him, how can you say I love you when your heart is not with me? Look at this manipulative. You have mocked me these three times and you have not told me where your great strength lies.

And when she pressed him hard with her words day after day and urged him, his soul was vexed to death and he told her all his heart and said to her, A razor has never come upon my head for I have been a nazarite to God from my mother's womb. If my head is shaven, then my strength will leave me and I shall become weak and be like any other man. Then the saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called the Lords to the Philistines saying, come up again and bring your money

For he has told me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up to her and brought the money in their hands. She made him sleep on her knees and she called a man and had him shave off the seven locks of his head. Then she began to torment him and his strength left him and she said, the Philistines are upon you, Samson. And he woke up from his sleep and said, I will go out as at other times and shake myself free, but he did not know the Lord had left him. That's scary. And the Philistines seized him and GED out his eyes and brought him down to Gaza and bound him with bronze shackles and he ground at the mill in the prison, but the hair of his head began to grow again after it all had been shaven. Wow. My topic for today is protect your head,

Protect your head. Some of y'all going to go to sleep with helmets on today just in case. Let's pray. How many, father, we thank you so much for this opportunity to dig into your word and consider what the word says to us. I pray that we would have ears to hear, a heart to receive, a mind to understand and what the spirit would say to us, help us to walk out of here different than the way we walked in. Do what only you can do. We give you name, the praise, the glory and the honor because you're worthy of it in Jesus name. And everybody say amen. Protect your head. There's a term that has grown in popularity really over several years, but it's really popular right now. And most of us have used this term probably in the last 24 months to describe something that is harmful or detrimental to us. And it's the word toxic. How many have used the word toxic? What's interesting is when we used to say the word toxic, we meant that it was poison, like a chemical that was poisonous or venom or to describe lead in water or exhaust from an engine. But in recent years, toxicity has been more attached to people and things than anything else. So we use it in combination with stuff that we're having a hard time with, like toxic relationships, toxic masculinity, toxic family of origin,

Toxic positivity.

Let's define what toxic relationship is. A toxic relationship has unhealthy dynamics and causes you distress or harm because you're unsupported, manipulated or disrespected. Here's what I can tell you. Many times people who are toxic individuals are sold because they have not dealt with their own stresses and traumas. If you don't deal with your own stuff, if you don't get some of those skeletons out of closet, you will project your insecurities onto other people and then you will become a toxic person. And here's the thing. Most of us, in fact, I would say all of us at some point in our lives have been a part of a toxic relationship. And toxic relationships could be, it could be romantic, it could be platonic, it could be family, but all of us at some point most likely have dealt with a toxic relationship. Lemme just say this, if you're over the age of two, you've probably been in a toxic relationship. You're like, what? That early? It starts really early. Think about this, a small child, we've all seen this happen either to your niece or nephew or grandchild, or it could be your own kids. You go to the park, your kid goes and he finds another kid and then ask that kid to be friends with him. That other kid begins to play with him, but the condition that they put on your child is, I want your toy.

So your child gives them their toy, they treat your child rudely, they're playing with their toys, and they're demanding that your child just take it. Your child then is willing to sacrifice their toy subject themselves being ill-treated all because they want to be in a relationship. And what ends up happening is if you as a parent don't correct that in the moment, you will condition your child to think that they can be taken advantage of, that the stuff can be taken that can be treated any old kind of way, take it just to be in a relationship. Here's what I'll say. Generally, people will not identify a relationship as toxic until they're out of the relationship. Isn't it amazing that people will break up and then admit that the other person was unhealthy? They will set boundaries with their parents and then admit that their mom was overbearing. They will go through a divorce and then recognize that their spouse, their ex was abusive. They quit their job and then admit that their boss was crazy. Here's the thing, being in a toxic relationship will drain you of your energy, your joy, and your autonomy. You will find yourself serving someone at the expense of your feelings, your needs and joy. Now, don't get it twisted. Every relationship that's healthy is going to have sacrifice. It's going to have service, it's going to have challenges, it's going to have discomfort. If you think you're going to be in a relationship without any tension,

That's not a relationship. Every good and healthy relationship is going to have an amount of tension. But a healthy relationship has mutual challenges, mutual discomfort, but it also has mutual benefits that has love at the center of it and that has connection. So some of y'all are wondering, man, am I in a toxic relationship? Well, I want to give you some toxic red flags. Number one, you may be in a toxic relationship if you're feeling unsafe or always on the edge if the person that you're in a relationship with makes you feel unsafe or always on the edge. Sometimes we think unsafe means that they're about to hit us over the head, but sometimes you may not get hit over the head, but you're always on the edge afraid that you're not doing the right thing. You may be in a toxic relationship. There're going to be so many breakups happen after this. Number two, you're consistently disrespected and a lot of times in public, three unmet needs, every relationship, every individual that's in a relationship has needs. If the person always says is always emphasizing their own needs and not yours, you may be in a toxic relationship. Four, always taking the blame. Everything's your fault. Five, isolated from friends and family. Oh, this is a big one right here.

Six, diminished and self-worth. You may be in a toxic relationship if you're checking these boxes. And here's what I can tell you. If you're in a toxic relationship, do something about it. You may say, well, I'm married to the person. In fact, they're sitting right next to me right now. That may truly be the case and we're going to talk about it. We all agree that toxic relationships are harmful to our spiritual, emotional and mental health. We know that. We know that being treated a certain way, having to subject yourself to being ill-treated is not good for you. But what happens when you're made aware that the person that you're in a relationship with is toxic and you need to get out, but you decide that you're going to stay in the relationship because you elevate them meeting your unmet needs above your own self-respect. What happens when the relationship that you're in, you have subjected yourself to toxicity because there are some things that you didn't deal with that they're meaning for you. This is what pop psychology calls codependency. Many people are not, they aren't just in a toxic relationship, but they're in a codependent relationship, meaning that it's harmful, it's a harmful relationship, but they justify continuing to be in the relationship because it meets some need that they have. Here's what codependency means. Codependency is the dysfunctional relationships in which an individual excessively relies upon others for worth approval and self-identity. And here's the thing, many believers are in a codependent relationship with each other and with the church.

Many churches intentionally and unintentionally promote codependency by elevating, conforming to the church more than conforming to Christ. A lot of spiritual environments so emphasize so overemphasize, groupthink, that they remove the individual out of the equation and they wrap it up while misrepresenting scriptures like community,

And so what ends up happening is unintentionally, some environments can create people who have group think and know self think, and they only develop their worth from what people say about them and not what God says about them. Well, I can tell you this. Codependency is when a person surrenders their worth and necessary development to gain the approval and acceptance of someone else. When they elevate the opinions of other people above their own necessary development and self-worth, it becomes codependency. And here's the thing, an easy way to determine if you're in a codependent relationship is not being able to tell when one person ends and another person begins. And a lot of marriages, oh Lord, or actually codependent relationships because neither one of them have any individualization. When you use stuff like words like You complete me, Adam was created as a complete person.

Eve was created as a complete person. God takes two complete individuals, puts them into an interdependent relationship to fulfill his overall purpose in the earth. If you are trying to find identity and worth and completion in another person, you just elevated someone above God. And what pop psychology calls codependency, you know what God calls it? Idolatry. Now, when we think of idolatry, we always think of figurines and statues of Buddha and Hinduism, but it might be that the idol that you have in your life is walking around in your house. Can I go out today? You've created an idol. Here's the problem. When we displace God and his word with human relationships, relational idolatry happens. What was God's first command to us? Have no other gods before me. Don't put anything in priority above me. That includes other people. So when you're more concerned about what people in the church think about you than what God thinks about you, you've just elevated the opinion of man above God, which means that you put God in second place. This has happened a lot. If you are more concerned about what your parents think about you than what God, that you're in a codependent relationship with your parents. And here's what I can tell you about codependent relationship. It takes two people. So the person that you are trying to get affirmation from is enjoying the fact that you need affirmation from them.

The problem with many people is that their trauma of rejection has caused them to develop codependent relationships to feel accepted and deal with their fear of abandonment. This is what's happening in the story of Samson. We love to talk about Samson as this character who is strong and mighty. He carries gates, he kills a thousand Philistines with a jawbone of a donkey. He ties 300 foxes tales together and lights him on fire. This dude is bad news, right? But look at his story real quick. Think about the context of how Samson developed before he gets to the story of Delilah. Now, Samson is brought into the story. We read about it, his mom and dad. His mother is barren, she's unable to have children, and then an angel of the Lord comes and says, Hey, you're going to bear a son and he's going to be the judge in Israel.

She tells her husband or husband's like, no way. And he's like, man, can you send the angel again? The angel comes again. Yeah, it's going to happen. They're like, all right. So the parents make a vow. They say, Hey, God, if you give us a son, we're going to give him back to you, but we're going to make him take a Nazarite vow, which means that he couldn't drink any strong drink, no wine or anything. He couldn't touch any dead corpses and he couldn't cut his hair. Now, here's what's interesting. A Nazarite vow, according to scripture, was a voluntary vow, meaning that you had to be at an age of accountability where you can decide whether or not to be a nazarite or not. Isn't it interesting that when we look at the life of Samson, he was a nazarite, which means that he voluntarily agreed to take the Nazarite vow, but he loathed and hated being a nazarite. Now, why would you do that if you hate doing it? Could it be that he feared being rejected by his parents because a commitment that they made for him before he even had a chance to speak into it,

He had no independent thought. He became a nazarite, but we know he hated being one. Why? Because he did everything opposite of being a Nazarite. He touched the dead corpse. Remember the story of when a lion, when he rip the lion in half, he was not supposed to touch a dead lion, but he goes there a few days later and he sees that there's some honey in the lion's carcass. He goes and gets the honey out of the carcass, feeds it to his parents, and then what does he do? He hides his disobedience by not telling his parents why? Because he's afraid that his parents are going to reject him for being a disobedient to the Nazarite vow. So he already is developing a mindset of fearing rejection and wanting to be accepted. And as long as the appearance of him being a nazarite was intact, his parents weren't rejecting him. So then what happens? Well, Samson also had another problem. He liked Philistine women, which were off limits. So judges chapter 14 says that he finds this Philistine woman down in Timnah, and he's like, oh, she fine. I'm about to make her mine

At this time. I'll stop right there. So he goes and tells his parents, Hey, I found this Philistine woman, and the bible says that she was good to look upon him. For him, that means that he really thought she was attracted. He tells his parents, his parents go, Hey man, can't you find somebody that's an Israelite or someone among our relatives? These women are off limits. And he's like, nah, they ain't got it. They got it.

I don't want them. So the parents are like, all right, we agreed to it. We will be there. So as is the custom, they would be betrothed, which was the same as being married. They would be betrothed, and then they would have a seven day feast, and at the end of seven days, they would consummate the marriage. So Samson throws this feast. He's now officially married to this woman, this Philistine woman. And so because he thinks of himself as being smart and being able to give these riles, he gives to her family members a riddle. And he says, if you can figure out the riddle in the next seven days, I will give you 30 linen garments and 30 changes of clothes. However, if you can't figure it out, you guys owe me 30 linen garments and 30 change of clothes. Now, linen was very expensive at the time, so this was actually a pretty big deal. Well, after three days, her family members could not figure out the riddle. So you know what they do? They go to his wife, his betroth, and they say, yo, if we don't figure this out, this is going to be very embarrassing for us and the family. So why don't you entice Samson and figure out what the answer to the riddle is so that we don't get embarrassed? So the wife then goes to Samson and says, Samson,

What's the answer to the riddle? And Samson doesn't tell her, and the scripture says, this is what she says to him. Oh, isn't there some manipulative stuff right here? You hate me. You don't love me. If you love me, you would tell me the answer. So Samson, he's like, well, she's my wife. Anyways, here's the answer. She goes and tells her family members, her family members, then on the seventh day, give him the answer. Now he owes them 30 linen garments and 30 changes of clothes. And guess what? His wife is the one that manipulated him and gave the answer. Why would Samson give up the answer? Could it be that Because he already has a history of being afraid of rejection and having a need for acceptance, that he was willing to be manipulated and be in a relationship with somebody that dishonored him and he overlooked it because he valued the relationship over honesty. So then what happens? Well, he owes them now 30 garments. So he goes and gets the 30 garments, he brings them, blah, blah, blah. Well, then he comes back a few days later to his father-in-Law, and he says, all right, I'm ready to get what's mine. I'm ready to go in and consummate this marriage with my wife. You know what her dad says? Oh my bad. I didn't know you were going to go through with it. I've given you wife away

To your best man. Y'all didn't think drama was in the Bible, I'm telling you. Okay, so now you're Samson. You are already dealing with the fear of rejection and you need for acceptance with your parents. Now, this is the ultimate betrayal because you are married to this woman, but she's given away to your best friend. So what does S Samson do? He goes and he destroys their crops. He sends in the 300 foxes, and then later they come to get vengeance on him. Then he kills Philistines with a job on donkey, and then judges, chapter 16 happens, and we find S Samson with Delilah, and he's thinking, now you got to ask serious questions. At this point, bro, what is the problem with you, dog? You've already been deceived, your wife was given away, and you're back in the same situation. So Delilah's like, man, I like this guy. The Lords find out and they say, yo, we'll give you 14 to $15 million to find out what his secret is. Now, put yourself into Lila's shoes. What you got to lose $15 million. So she starts on and tries to get the secret from Samson. So she starts off with saying, Hey, what do you do? And he's like, well, bow strings.

She ties him up with bow strings. He snaps the bow strings. The Philistines are upon you. At this point, you're like, oh, that was a sick joke, girl, you almost got me. Then she's like, Hey, let's try it again. And he says, ropes. Hey, the field signs upon you. At this point, Mr. Samson, you've already been betrayed. You've already gone through some trauma. You are already dealing with rejection. What is causing Samson to remain in the relationship, knowing at this point she's trying to get to your head and you're not protecting it because you're elevating being in the relationship and being accepted by a woman over being accepted by God. You have elevated this relationship over the anointing of God. You are willing to sacrifice what God says about you, what God is doing in your life for the sake of being accepted in a relationship where the other person is trying to abuse you. Samson can't see what's happening because he hasn't dealt with his trauma and because he hasn't dealt with his trauma and his fear of rejection and his need for acceptance, he is unable to equate the Philistine's binding him with betrayal by Delilah. In the codependent relationship, each person will exploit to others' weakness for their own aggrandizement. Can I tell you, Samson had such a need for acceptance that he was willing to sacrifice his strength and his vision.

What happens as he stays in the codependent relationship is he is robbed of his strength, but he's also robbed of his individual vision. What's the first thing that happens when he gives away his strength? They not only take his strength, but they gouge out his eyes. What causes us to be to subject ourselves to relationships that are codependent is a need for acceptance and a need for approval and the need not to be rejected. Samson elevated his need, his personal needs of acceptance from others above the anointing of God, and he lost it

As potent. Here's what will happen if you don't deal with your codependent relationships. You will sacrifice who God created you to be and the vision that God has for your life in order to serve the needs of somebody who's manipulating you. And this oftentimes happens in marriages and where the church has done marriages a disservice is that scriptures have been taken out of context and applied to all instances such as let love cover a multitude of sins, and you end up being in an abusive and harmful relationship because somebody misquoted that scripture and now you are thinking that you tolerance for their toxic behavior is somehow you showing them love. When in actuality love is truthful. If you are in a relationship that's causing you harm or them harm, then guess what? The best thing you could do is love them right out of it by telling the truth. This is about to start so many conversations. There's going to be some awkward dinner tonight. Lemme just say this, God never intended for you to devalue yourself to make somebody else feel valuable. God created you as a unique individual with purpose. He designed you with identity. He's got a lot of good stuff to say about you. And if you feel like that is being threatened because of a relationship that you're in, you need to reevaluate the relationship. Not only that, but you got to go back into your bag and figure out why you're subjecting yourself to this type of environment.

It could be the playground situation. It could be that your parents never stepped in and they watched other kids take advantage of you without stepping in. So now you think it's normal.

It's tight, but it's right. So let's talk about how to break codependency. I want to give you some points. If you have identified that you may be in a codependent relationship, it's time to break that why? Because God wants you to live in freedom. God wants you to live from the perspective that he has for you and not from the perspective of what somebody else says about you. Now, God has created us for community, but we don't find our value and identity from other people. We find it in God. Two. Broken people coming together are still broken. You're the missing piece to my heart. No, the greatest marriages are the ones where both individuals are holy, who God created them to be. All right, how to break codependency. Number one, find your identity in Jesus. Stop eating on the approval of others. If you define yourself based on other people's opinions or your ability to rescue them, your life will be on a rollercoaster. You know what has perpetuated this problem? Social media. You know how many people are basing their value and their worth on how many likes they get? Just post a picture that you like. Stop taking it down because there aren't enough likes you.

I just got personal. If you are basing your worth and your acceptance on how many people part your picture or comment on your status, you've elevated them above what God says about you because you are valuable. Without social media, what? Well, what about all that money I spent to buy these bots? Have you ever stopped to think, why are you spending money to show a higher follow count? It's so quiet here. It's funny.

I'm trying to get to your heart. I'm trying to get to your mind. Here's what the word of God tells us. God tells us who we are. He gives us our worth and value. And anytime you replace what God says about you with what other people say about you, what they think about you, or whether or not they like your stuff, or whether or not they comment on your stuff, or whether or not they give you some kind of approval or acceptance, you have just created relational idolatry and put God in second place. And for many people, he's third or fourth because you're more worried about what mama said about him or what daddy said, or what my spouse said or what my friends say. And God is all the way down here. Oh Lord, rather than running to other people to meet your needs, go to God first. No human being can make you complete facts. No human being can make you complete and you definitely can't muster significance, identity, value, and worth from within yourself. You got to get it from Jesus. Go back to the one who created you. Number two, don't be an enabler.

Here's the problem with codependency, co dependency.

It takes more than one individual to create this unhealthy cycle. Here's what usually happens. A person that is in need of acceptance gets into a relationship with person that gives them acceptance. But the person that gives them acceptance, their condition is you got to make me feel valuable by needing my acceptance. So then end up being this cycle of unhealth because one person is a narcissist and the other person is insecure. So they end up being in this detrimental cycle of codependency where one person needs the other and the other person needs that. And you end up being in a relationship where we can't tell where you end and the other person begins. I asked the psychiatrist that's actually here in our local assembly, I said, Hey, when you're talking to people and you're meeting in therapy with people, what is a kind of an easy way to identify? What's a red flag's? Something that you look for to identify whether somebody is in a codependent relationship? And he said often in today's culture and society, one of the things that he does with his clients is he will tell them, you may be dealing with codependency issues by how you respond when you don't get a text back

In a certain amount of time. In other words, if you text somebody that you are getting value from and they don't text you back in time, if your palm starts sweating and you're getting antsy and nervous and you hit 'em up with another text, I guess you're busy. So I'm guessing that I'm not priority or you have an attitude. They may be at a car wreck, or better yet, they may be at work actually working. Maybe they can't get to the text in time. But if you're tripping out that they haven't touched you in time, it may be that you value their opinion above God. Don't be an enabler. Call it what it is. If you're in a relationship with somebody and they have toxic patterns of behavior, don't tolerate it. Speak up. Say something about it. If you go to Christmas and you walk off needing therapy for three months because of the way that your sister talks to you, stop putting yourself in a position where she can talk to you any old way. You're enabling that behavior. You need to call it out or don't go to the Christmas party. And when people ask you Why, be honest?

Well, it's really going to hurt mom and dad. It's hurting you. Tough love means saying no and refusing to continue to live in dysfunction. Number three, set healthy boundaries. This may shock some of y'all. You are not God and you can't do everything to develop healthy, balanced relationship. You must set boundaries to define what is and is not your responsibility. This includes marriage. Well, we have a boundaryless marriage. You should have an honest marriage. You should have a good marriage. But you should also know, hey, what is our responsibility in this marriage? Because here's the thing, if you don't have boundaries, you let everything in and everything out. I remember one time we lived in this neighborhood where we had some folks down the street, they had a pit bull, and it was one of them big old pit bulls, the type when you pass by. And everybody was kind of scared of this pit bull because he is usually on a chain. Remember one day he used to have dogs on chains. The dog would be on the chain. And every time we passed by on our bicycles, and man, we were brave. It was like, man, you ain't going to break that chain.

And we'd ride our bikes and be in total freedom, right? Because we knew that there was a tether to this dog and we could live in freedom and operate in confidence and independence. Why? Because there was a boundary. One day we ride our bikes and we see our neighbor, he got on his bike and he was heading there, and next thing we know, he drops his bike and he runs, jumps over the porch and runs in the house. So my brother-in-law are like, what's going on? As we ride our bike closer, we see that the pit bull is not on the chain, and he's running all around the yard and onto the street, and we ain't playing no game. So we ran in the house, someone called the police, the police showed up. The dog started attacking the police car, biting the tire.

Now, here's what's interesting. When you remove the boundary, you can no longer walk in freedom. So something that was very normal like walking down the street, is now threatened. Why? Because there were no clear boundaries. So many relationships are in dysfunction, and there's fear and there's no ability to move in freedom. Why? Because there are no boundaries. Get you some boundaries. Here's what Galatians chapter one verse 10 says, for, am I now seeking the approval of man or of God or am I trying to please man, if I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ? You cannot be a servant of man. Do we serve man? Yes, but we serve others as we are what? Serving Christ. Lemme just talk to marriages again. If Christ is not at the center of your relationship, then you're in relational idolatry.

Ooh, some of these car rides are going to be awkward. Here's number four, retrain your brain.

How do you fix a dysfunctional codependent issue? Number one, you find your identity in Christ. Number two, stop being an enabler. Number three, you said healthy boundaries, but number four is you retrain your brain. There's a thing, there's a term called neuroplasticity, which is the brain's ability to cut new pathways. Your brain is like a roadmap and certain habits and behaviors when done over time, it creates grooves in your brain like highways. And what ends up happening is you can call this a mindset. You can call this volition. You can call this a tendency, but when you're practicing certain habits or you have a certain way of living, your brain physically

Has a certain pattern of functioning. These neurotransmitters in your brain have a certain direction that they're going in order for you to change some of your behaviors. Yes, it takes prayer. Yes, it takes dedication to the word of God. Yes, it takes good counseling, but you got to set some new habits up to retrain your brain. You have physical brain needs to be remapped. It needs to be rewired. You need to get rid of some of those old pathways and cut new pathways in. And the way to do that is you got to develop some new habits of doing things. Stop going to their house. What if we're married? If you notice that there is a certain behavior that you're doing that is adding to the dysfunction, stop doing it. Is it going to make them upset? Most likely. Why? Because they're always used to you dropping everything that you're doing to serve their needs. And the moment that you say, I'll get to you in a minute and is going to freak 'em out, but you're cutting you, you're retraining your brain. One Peter chapter one, verse number 13, this is what Peter says. Therefore, prepare your minds for action.

Prepare your minds for action and being sober minded. Set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. To be sober minded means that you're moving away all the clutter. You're getting rid of some stuff. You're learning how to retrain your brain. You're identifying unhealthy relationships, you're identifying toxicity. You're getting ready. You're sober minded. You're clearing out. You know the difference between being sober minded and being under the influence is that you can't think straight. That's why when somebody is suspected to be intoxicated, they have a field sobriety test. You know what that includes? Not that I've experienced this, but I've watched YouTube walk this straight line, touch your nose, count to a hundred. What they're looking for is, is your mind sober enough to walk straight? Is your mind clear enough to speak without it being slurred? Is your mind sober enough to operate a motor vehicle? Is your mind sober enough for you to do things and function in society without hurting anybody? Because when you're intoxicated, your mind is no longer clear. And the reason why most people get intoxicated is because what's causing them to be intoxicated is meeting a need

That they have. But the side effects are you're no longer sober minded. That's why the Bible says, do not be drunk. Do not be a drunkard. Why? Because it affects your mind. How many people are getting intoxicated by toxic relationships to the point that they can't walk a straight line they can't operate and what God has presented to them and they keep going back and getting intoxicated by toxic relationships?

It's time to retrain your brain. It's time to remove some of that toxicity. It's time to get a sober mind set you hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you to be holy, you also be holy in all your conduct since it is written, you shall be holy, for I am holy. And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourself with fear throughout the time of your exile knowing that you were ransom from the futile ways, inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver and gold, but with the precious blood of Christ like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. Isn't it interesting that what Peter begins with that leads to holiness is preparing your mind for action? You cannot be holy Lee, if your mind ain't right. Why? Because if you don't deal with patterns of thinking and ways thinking, it will always get in the way of your holiness maybe in this place and you're like, oh Lord,

How do I address this with my children, with my parents, with my spouse, with my boyfriend or girlfriend, with my fiance? This is my encouragement to you. Start the conversation. Is it going to be uncomfortable?

Yes,

But you got the rest of your life ahead of you. You get to determine what kind of life you want to live. Well, we've been married for 30 years. We got 30 more to live. Do it with a clear mind. Amen. Can we bow our heads and close our eyes? Adam and Eve, each were created with strength, with identity, with abilities in God brought them together into an interpersonal relationship so they both could contribute to the relationship. Acts chapter two, the Bible says that each one brought what they had for the commonwealth and the good of the people. Ephesians chapter four tells us that the body benefits when each joint supplies. It means you have to be a healthy individual in order for you to supply what is needed in the body. The reason why we're talking about the mind and we're talking about theology and therapy is because when you are healthy, the body of Christ is healthy. When you are healthy, your marriage will be healthy. When you as an individual are healthy, your relationships will be healthy. God wants you to be healthy so that you can do what God's called you to do.

Father, we thank you so much for just allowing us to be in your house. I pray that if you've highlighted some relationships that are in our lives that have codependency or symptoms of codependency, I pray that we will be humble enough to identify them and that you would give us the strategy God of how to navigate those relationships to use love the way love was intended to be, which is truthful. I thank you, Lord God, that you have allowed us to be in your presence, to hear your word, and that the conviction of the Holy Spirit is taking place right now. Do what only you can do. Do what only you can do. Now, before you leave this place, just take a moment and let the song wash over you as you consider his word.

I known I'm new in your presence and made whole I and made in you. I find safety in you. I'm no I new. You are my strong. I've run to you. My walls fall down. Your love breaks through you. My strong I've to you. I'm not afraid. I fall down. Your love breaks through my strong. I

Know this is probably uncomfortable for some people to hear because you may have identified a relationship that you have valued and that you found a lot of identity in, and now you're realizing, oh, there's some unhealthy patterns. Well, here's what I can tell you. If you would just submit that relationships in the Lord, the Lord can help you navigate what that looks like, so this is what we want to do. Our altar team is up here. If you need prayer specifically and you've identified some patterns in your life and you're like, Hey, man, I got to talk to somebody. I got to get some prayer over this. Come up here and get prayer. Now, for some it may be uncomfortable because you may be with the person that you're in a codependent relationship with. That's okay. I encourage you that this week that you talk to somebody, it can be a trusted spiritual person, it can be a counselor, but get that dealt with so that you can live as a whole person, the person that God intended you to be and somebody say, amen.

Would you stand to your feet? One more time? Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you, Lord God, for what you're doing. I thank you Lord Jesus, that you are leading us into more sanctification, into more formation to become more and more like you, and if there are any dark corners in our lives that are contributing to us not being holistically who you want us to be, I pray that you would shine a light in those corners that we would deal with those We give you a name to. Praise the glory and the honor because you are worthy of it. In Jesus' name we pray, amen. If you need prayer, come up. If not, we'll see you here next week. God bless.