Connected, Week 5

Tim Rivers | May 14, 2023

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Transcription

Happy Mother's Day. If you're a mom, would you stand? Can we give all of our moms a big hand? Thank you. Thank you, thank you. You may be seated. Mom, could you stand? My mom, my mom, my mommy. I love you, mom. Thank you so much for birthing me. Number one, I wouldn't be here without you, and I so much appreciate your faithfulness to God, your faithfulness to prayer, your faithfulness to your dedication, to your kids. And we so much love and appreciate you. And since I have the mic, I get to do this. So thank you very much and happy Mother's Day to you. I love you and to all the other moms. Make some crazy noise if you're a mom.

Hey, here's the thing. I know y'all have practice yelling.

Y'all ain't fooling nobody because you are in church today. Y'all got vocal chords. I want to just say how much I love and all them appreciate all the moms that are here today. As we've discussed already today, mother's Day can be a tough day for many moms. Either maybe you've lost a child or you're dealing with infertility or you lost a mother, or maybe your relationship is strained with a mother. But as Sarah mentioned earlier, God sees you and he hears you. And above all, God is there to comfort you. And so I just want to say how much I love and appreciate all of the moms that are here. We've been in this series that we've called Connected and what we've been talking about, and we've called this a relationship series because really what we're doing is we're talking about connections. And if you notice, if you've been rolling with us for the last four weeks, this is their fifth week today. You notice that we haven't talked about romantic relationships at all. We've talked about foundational relationships, relationship with God. We've talked about relationship with friends. We talked about overcoming betrayal. We talked about being comfortable with who God has made you as an individual. But today we're going to get into the romantic side of things. So if you're a single bilingual and ready to mingle,

You come to the right place. We're going to talk about dating today. And here's another thing. If you've been married for a while though, yeah, maybe five or six years, maybe 10 or 20, maybe 30 years, and your dating relationship has dwindled. The fire is down to just hot coals, not even a flame, just barely warm coals. We're going to fan the flame today, all right? And we're going to talk about dating, but I'm not going to do it by myself today. I would like for you all to welcome to this platform, the one and only, my wife, the mother to our children, miss Janese Rivers.

Yes. Woo, love you. I love you so much. Happy Mother's Day to you. Thank you as well. Thank you. Thank you for being an amazing mom. Appreciate it. I'm not just saying this because we're in a public setting, but I love you so much. Our kids are blessed to have a mother like you, and so happy Mother's Day to you. Thank you. I love you. All right, we're going to pray and then we're going to get into it. All right? Thank you, Lord God, for this day. Thank you for all the moms that are represented today. I pray that you had blessed them abundantly today. Let them get everything that they've been wanting, that they would be blessed with all of the gifts and all of the blessings that's available to them. And for those that may be going through a hard time today, I pray that you would comfort them. Bless our conversation today. Let us enjoy it. Let us have fun with it and let us be informed by it. We thank you for it in Jesus' name, and everybody say amen.

Amen. All right. So today, let me set just some ground rules, just a foundation about what we're going to be talking about. We're going to talk about dating, but we're going to talk about dating from a Christian perspective because the world has its definition of dating, and the world's definition of dating is Netflix and chill.

And some other things that you could use to define dating in the world. Dating in the world is really about self-gratification. Absolutely. Maybe you've got a need that you want fulfilled. Maybe you've got sexual desires that you can't keep in check. And that's where dating comes in. I, me and this person get to where we want to go without the commitment, but then there's a biblical or a Christian perspective of dating. Now, here's the thing about dating. The Bible doesn't actually talk about dating because dating wasn't a thing in the Bible and the Bible. There were two people, if they were single, their parents were involved, they would help them find a mate. They would get betroth, which would last about a year, and then they would get married. So there isn't a biblical basis for dating. We have in a modern context, but we do have some principles of how to go about dating. Sure. The thing that we find out about dating is dating in a Christian perspective is done with, in other words, if you're a believer and you're ready to start dating, this is the question you need to ask when you meet that person. Is this somebody that I could realistically see myself marrying? And so that's what we're going to talk about. So we just celebrate 10 years in December.

10 years. Woohoo. So we wanted to first start off with how we met. And so being married 10 years gives a little indication of how old we are. Definitely got started dating along before Tinder, so there was no swiping, there was no sliding into the dms. We met at the mall. Good eighties babies do that. We are. And so I was a store manager at Aldo in the Galleria. So this was January 2nd, right, right, right. 2011.

I love it. No more discounts though.

And so this is a tourist mall, so it's closer to the airport. You got the ice skating rink, right? You've got the ginormous Christmas tree. So easily every day around the holidays, we were seeing 1300 to 1500 people. And so that's what makes it funny that I remember the first time that you walked in, hello. And so

Tell the people.

And so I remember Tim coming in and just us hitting it off. It was such a good conversationalist. We were having great conversation. Yes,

More

He was hands on. I know it his

Mother's name, but man, this is good.

And so we had a really good time, but I had all of my little teenage employees out there, so I couldn't just stay on the floor chatting the sky up. So he ended up kind of looking around the store and then he left and I was like, okay, he's gone. And so he left and then a few weeks later, he came back in. And I remember seeing him and being like, oh. And so instead of playing it cool, I was like, oh, hey, long time, no C. I've seen him one time. I'm like, Hey. And so from there, he continued again to pursue, peruse the store, and we ended up exchanging information. And that's how it started,

Right? Yeah.

Is this your story? Does your story go like that?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Mine. Is

That how yours

Goes? Well, yes. So background from my end, from my end. So I talked about this a few weeks ago, how I took the 2010, I took that year just to concentrate on singleness and the Lord. And what's funny about it is I didn't actually date around. I wasn't the type that just dated around, but I just committed that one year to totally being concentrated on the Lord. And it was married to ministry Roman seven, and I really just took that time to really be devoted to the Lord. Then comes 2011, I had just moved here back here from California. 2011 was my year of release from sick this, but I didn't enter into the year. Alright, he ready, it's January 1st, it's time to go get a spouse. I just entered into the year, didn't really think much about it. And then two days into the year, we used to have this youth conference at the end of the year. So we had that. And then all the springs would go to the mall and just peruse and stuff like that. And so I stopped by Zara, bought a pair of shoes, and then we went to Aldo. And when we went to Aldo, I saw you for the first time. And I was like, whoa, it is 2011.

Two days in,

Two days in, I'm released. And I remember going like, wow. She is like, she's got really cool style. She's really pretty. And I said something about like, oh yeah, you got cool style. And then we hit it off in conversation. Then I walked out of the store and I was with some friends and I was like, yo, this girl is really cute. And she seems really cool, man. I like to talk to her. And they were like, man, go do your thing. You know would got that swag family. They didn't really tell me that, but you know what I'm saying? That's what I thought. That's what thought they said, you irresistible fam. That's what I'm telling myself. So I go back in the store, we chat a little bit, but by that time you went to the cash register. So I was like, okay, how do I get to the cash register and not make this awkward? I got to buy something.

Yeah, you did.

But I was cheap, so I didn't want to spend a hundred dollars on some shoes. So I bought a hat that was on sale. I literally bought the cheapest thing, but I got to the cash register and that's when we started talking. And then I left and I still like, man, I was like, man, ah, did I miss an opportunity? She was really cool. She's really attractive, man. And so I thought about it for two weeks, literally every day could not get you out of my mind. I feel like this can start to an r and b song. You know what I'm saying? For two weeks.

Wow.

So two weeks later I was going to Atlanta to go preach for a few weeks. And which, go ahead.

Tim told me. So he did not tell me he was a preacher when we met. That's right. Tim told me he was a nonprofit speaker.

Don't hate on my swag though. You know what I'm saying, Tim? He did not tell me. That's right. That's why he was a non-profit, which he

Isn't a lie. You know what I'm saying? It wasn't a lie. It wasn't a lie. So he was doing some non-profit work in Atlanta.

That's right, that's right. Well, here's the thing. I was like, man, okay, so the context, remember I'm in full-time ministry. So there was like this, when you're in full-time ministry, there are these expectations of where you meet somebody, a youth conference, a camp, the church, or at bible study, a small group at a Bible study. So when we met, I was like, I was like, man, what do I say that I do? I can't just hit her with, Hey, I'm a man of God. And so two weeks later when I'm about to go to Atlanta, I was like, man, I got to shoot my shot. So Wednesday I'm leaving, I'm supposed to fly out on Friday. On Wednesday I'll go back to the mall. And I'm like, if she's there, I'm going to grab these digits. If she's not there, I'm going to take it as a sign. That wasn't meant to be. So that's when I walked into the store and you were like, Hey, long time you'll see. I said family, great connection. So that's where we exchanged numbers and that's where it all started then.

And then we Skyped.

That's right. Oh, no, no, no. Before we Skyped on Thursday. Skyped. I know. So I'm about to leave on Friday. This, it gets better. I'm about to leave on Friday. When we talked on Wednesday, we said, Hey, if I'm in the area, let's see, we can meet up. And so on Thursday, I just so happened to be in the area, an hour and a half away from my house. I pull up to the parking lot and I'm like, yo, I'm in the area. Had nothing to do in Dallas, but I'm like, we are here. So then we met for coffee, and that started. Then we Skyped on Friday for seven

Hours. Seven hours. And also Skype. No Zoom, no FaceTime, Skype.

Skype. Oh Lord. I know. So that started our dating, essentially, we kind of started off as friends, just chit-chatting and talking. And then we got into dating. And then almost two years later we got married. But what we wanted to do today is we wanted to talk through the dating process, kind of pull a little bit from our story into us getting married. Cause here's the thing about marriage, how you start

Is very important because when you get married, you're going to know, oh, this is how we started. We started. Good. Oh man, we did not start off well. And so we want to talk through it. But the way we want to approach it is we want to help some of you folks that are thinking about dating, maybe you're already in a dating relationship. We want to talk to you about red flags and dating. So if you're single, you better bust out your notebook and a piece of paper and a pen and take some notes about this. Cause we're going to talk about the red flags and dating. The first red flag that you got to be aware of is relational ambiguity.

That it's complicated Facebook status.

That's right.

Yeah. So in a relationship, if you are, we had an interesting story because we were never friend zoned. That's right. I never friend zoned you. Right? I always knew as soon as I met you, like, oh, hey, I, I'm attracted to him. Correct. But there are a lot of people that do Correct, correct.

And vice versa.

Oh, thank thanks Ben.

And still am. Thank you. Every day.

I love this. Keep going. It is Mother's Day, I'm here for it. Mother's Day. That's right. But there are a lot of people that do start with that kind of murky area of starting out with friends, which is beautiful, right? But there is that gray of starting out with friends. And so if you are starting in and you're in a relationship or a friendship with someone and you feel like you're on a date, but they're never defining what that is, it's a red flag.

It is a red flag. So remember we talked about this a few weeks ago, that there's a difference between phileo love, which is the Greek word, and it basically means brother, your sisterly love in the body of Christ. So you may be interacting with somebody and you're like, man, we are brothers and sisters in Christ. I love you, sis. I love you, bro. But then you start realizing you're wanting to spend more and more time together just with that one person. So you're staying a little later after the party is over, you're staying out in the parking lot after church has been dismissed. You starting to send them, girl, I thought you think this. I thought would think this meme is really hilarious,

But you only send it to her and you're itching towards aeros love, which is the attractional phase. Check this out. If you start feeling attracted to that person, it starts getting complicated. So then the question becomes, what if one person's attracted and the other one's not? Or I just got uncomfortable. For some folks, you got to define it as soon as you feel it, if it's one or the other, as soon as you feel that attraction, you got to define the relationship. Because if not somebody's heart's going to be broken, somebody's emotions going to get all out of whack. Somebody's mind is going to be tripping because you'll start misinterpreting what the other person is saying.

So do you feel like you can be friends with someone that when, if somebody has an interest, if one party has an interest and the other doesn't, do you think you can still be friends?

I take a drink of water on that one. No. Well, I say this in my experience, it's going to be complicated from watching other people. If one person's attracted, you're always going to misunderstand what the other person's saying. If they're not attracted, for instance, a person is not attracted to, someone may tell them, Hey, I love your outfit. The person that's attracted is like, Ooh, are they feeling what I'm feeling? Be like, nah, it was just the shirt. You've seen those videos, those YouTube clips of a guy proposing, right? And isn't in the middle of his proposal. She's like,

I'm good. Can

We talk about

This?

Can we talk about this? It's like, yo, somebody was off there.

And the goal is to not get to that point, right? That's right. You don't want to get to a proposal and be like, surprise.

That's right. Yeah. Just be upfront about what the relationship right is. All right, here's another red flag. No unrealistic expectations. Yeah. Ooh, that's a big one right here.

This is probably my personal favorite one for real. So I think there's a difference in, first of all, just defining what boundaries are versus what expectations are. So boundaries are static. Those should be your non-negotiable. So if you are in a season of singleness, this is one of the best times to be working on that. And I think that's been the sweet part of how this series has worked is for the past four weeks, we've been talking about relationships outside of romantic relationships. So first that vertical relationship with God, and then also with family and friendships. And so those are really healthy and establishing those boundaries before you get into a relationship. So those things can look like, Hey, I'm not going to be gaslit. Oh, in a relationship. I'm not going to be abused. I'm going to protect my purity. Those are boundaries. Expectations are a little different. And so I've had girlfriends that are like, no, he's got, I don't like his hair. Pimp color

Pimps.

Yeah. I don't like how he shoes.

They got pimples. He's got pimples.

You instantly went for the pimples,

Right? Yeah. Well, expectations are negotiable, right? Boundaries are not. Boundaries are internal. Expectations are external. And the thing about boundaries is boundaries are the non-negotiables of your internal, protecting your heart. For sure. You've got to have clear boundaries that are going to protect your heart and soul. These are non-negotiables. I will not be abused physically, emotionally, mentally, or verbally. Right? That's a non-negotiable,

Right?

I will not make you feel, allow you to make me feel belittled. That's a non-negotiable. Expectations. On the other hand, if he's 22 and you expect him to have 150 fans, Mercedes S class, his own house straight out of college, adjusted says, right, and expectations, you kind of got to adjust those. You should have some expectations. Oh, for sure. There has to be attraction. You can't be like, listen, I'm throwing all looks out the door. Don't do it. You know what I'm saying? Have some expectations, but those can be negotiable. But when people have unrealistic expectations, sure,

It's not a good one. And I think unfortunately, in the season of having so much influenced by social media, we look at people's highlight reel and allow those to inform our expectations. And so we'll see people that are further down the road, or we'll look at our parents and see how far they've gotten and what they have, and we expect and put that on our partner instead of being appreciating the process, have goals, but don't go in expecting. We went through that, having that transition of we have a common goal, but we had to work.

Oh, for sure. First met, I was evangelizing. I didn't really have a ton of bills, and so I had money in the bank and all that stuff. But when I came back, I actually volunteered at our church and live mainly off of the savings that I had. So as we continued, we went from eating steaks to like, Hey, are you opposed to, they have a great dollar menu, plus it's a hundred percent beef. And so by the time we got married, we adjusted some of those expectations that we had. We went to Sri Lanka four months after we got married and lived in 189 square foot apartment.

It was intimate. It was very interesting.

One room, not one bedroom, one room and a bathroom. It was like if we had disagreements, it was like, I'm going to this corner. We had to adjust our expectations. There

Was no running. No, there was no running out. We literally had water monitors. I don't know if you guys know what water monitors are. They're like kimono dragons outside of our apartment. So you can just walk outside. Yeah.

Not by yourself. There's beast out there. Right? Exactly.

You were in 189 square feet with each other. But it was that process. I knew you had goals. I just knew those. We weren't in that season yet, but we built that out together. And so I think adjusting your expectations, but sticking true to your boundaries. Exactly.

All right. It's key. Here's another red flag. No accountability. You got to have accountability for real. If the person you're talking to is mysterious and you can't call somebody to check on them, ask them to come with a list of references.

Yes. Do a reference check. Yeah.

Yeah. Yo, bring me five references that I can call about you. If look seriously, they have to have people that they're accountable to. Because as you enter into dating, there are going to be opportunities for you to compromise your beliefs, your standards, your boundaries, your expectations. And if you don't have accountability there, sure, you'll end up being somewhere completely different than where you want to be because you don't have someone being like, Hey, listen, we've noticed that you don't hang around anymore. Your attitude's changed. You seem distant. You got to have accountability.

And we have. We've seen that play out too. And that's what we've talked about this previously, is not allowing somebody else to define your purpose for you. And I've seen relationships where it's been like, oh, she's dating a rocker. She becomes a rocker, right? Or she's into basketball now all of a sudden she's into basketball. It's like having somebody that can look from the outside in and being like, Hey, you're shifting yourself. You're losing yourself, or they're taking you away from God. Or having somebody that's holding you accountable or making sure that they're dating. You're dating someone that also has that accountability component. Well,

Here, accountability doesn't stop after you get married.

So if you can get accountability started before you get married, absolutely. You're in a much better position because you have somebody that knows you as a single person and can also inform you as a married person. I had this conversation the other day with somebody, and I told 'em like, I am very intentional about staying accountable. So there are certain individuals in my life that at any moment they have access to my life. They know me very well, and I talked to them frequently. And so I was telling somebody the other day, my wife, Jan could pick up the phone and call seven people right now and just basically be like, yo, I need you to talk to Tim now. And they would drop whatever you're doing and they'd call me for sure. And so I listed the name of seven people to this individuals, and then Jenice and I had never talked about this formally, so I'm on my way home. And I was like, man, I'm going to test this theory out. So I called Jenice and I'm like, Hey, if I was to trip, which I never do and never

If I was never to never trip,

And you have to call somebody, who would you call? Name me, seven people. And she lists the exact seven people that I'm accountable to. That's what you want. You want accountability. If there's no accountability running,

And as his wife, I feel safer in that, right? I feel safer now knowing, hey, there is somebody advocating for me or for our marriage outside of just us. And so again, starting that in dating is key. And if they never provide that for you, it gets

Watch out. Red flag. All right, here we go. Here's another one. Sudden surprises. I was think this was funny. Have you ever heard of somebody like dating? And they're like several months in and the dude's talking about his life. Yeah, man, blah, blah, blah. And man, when I was in a penitentiary, and you're like,

Woo.

Hey, I want to go back to something that you said earlier, right? Hey, there's nothing wrong. I almost got stories. Not everybody's been saved all their life, right? Sure. But if they got all these sudden surprises, you know what I'm saying, that are big deals like, oh, hey, I forgot to tell you, I got six kids. We've been dating for two years.

Where have they been? Right? Where are these kids? Where have they been? But there are people that wait until it's down the road. And the reality about marriage is, and if we're talking about a Christian worldview to dating with marriage being the angle, right? You're going to find out eventually. That's right.

Can you want to get that knock on that door?

Yeah. You're going to find out.

Yeah. So anytime we've given or done premarital counseling, we've always told people, put all your cards on the table, right? If you have an addiction to porn, if you've had alcoholism, if you've had different struggles like leg your partner, no. Now of course, you probably not the first date. I don't think you go and just leg spill all the tea. But if you can't go and have that ebb and flow of a relationship where it's like, Hey, I'm being vulnerable with you. I'm telling you what I've dealt with, it's going to come out. Sure. And how you start is what you build.

That's right. Whatever secrets you keep in dating, you're going to take into your marriage for sure. And at some point, it's going to be revealed. And so you're better off in the dating process to go ahead and put all the cards on the table, and all the married folks should be saying Amen right now. Amen.

Amen.

That's the painting. Okay. Here's another red flag. And that is Christ is optional.

Right now in our culture, this is a big deal in a lot of dating relationships, Christ is just optional. You have a lot of what they call missionary dating, right? You know what? We're going to go ahead and date in hopes that she would be saved in hopes that he's going to be saved. Listen, if they're just, and I'm not saying that God can't work swiftly, but Christ has got to be the center, and he cannot just be optional As a Christian, when you enter into a dating relationship, that would be one of the number one questions that you ask, Hey, how do you feel about God? And if they're like, man, I'll take 'em and leave them

Next, move away from that because Christ cannot be optional in a Christian relationship. Be not unequally yolk with unbelievers. Why? Because you're heading in two different directions. For sure. Christ cannot be optional. That's the thing I think that was beautiful about our story, is we work through a lot of doctrinal things, right? Because we're kind of on two different spectrums of Christianity, and we were kind of discussing like, okay, what are national boundaries, state boundaries, local boundaries. But one thing was for sure, we both love Jesus, and we both were pursuing Christ. And in doing so, Christ was at of what we do,

I think. And just to give a little background into that too, so I grew up as a pastor's kid. I don't know if there's any other pastor's kids in the house. I not shy. And so they always say there's one of two kinds of pastor's kids. You've got the ones that kind of stay the straight and narrow, and then you've got the ones that kind of wild out a little bit. And unfortunately, because of family environment and how I saw some of the political underbelly of the church that I grew up in, I was in a season of, man, I don't want to do this. I don't want to walk this out. I don't want to be married to anyone in ministry. So shout out to Tim for telling me he was in nonprofit work at first. That's

Right.

Yeah. I was following spirit. It was the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit, spirit. But for real, my heart was, I was in a journey of the Lord redeeming that part of my story when Tim met me, and Tim was also, he was in a really full throttle on fire for Jesus. And so we both had that commonality of having Christ at the center, but we were in different places. It took a lot of work. Right? But it was hard when you're not in the exact same place. But at the end of the day, we both knew That's right. No, it's Jesus above all else. That's right. If you need tomorrow, I'm still going to be serving Jesus. That's

Right. Whether without you, Ooh, ooh, ooh. You just hit a nerve right there. Listen, if the person leaves and you walk away from Christ,

You elevated that relationship above Christ. Yeah. No, we got to be in the mindset of if everyone walks away, we still follow Jesus. Christ is not optional. Yeah. Okay. So we're talking about red flags, but here the plot twist. A lot of times when we think about dating, we think about the other person we're what are their expectations and how are they living? And blah, blah, blah. But here's the reality. Whatever you expect of somebody else, you should expect of yourself. So we're going to go through the antithesis of what we just talked about. We're going to, we're going to equip you. So if you're ready to date, if you're in the season of like, Hey, I want to get out there on date, we are going to give you five questions that you should ask yourself as you're entering into a dating relationship. Starting with this one, have I identified the relationship? Not just wait on that person that I'm just waiting to see what Earl defines this as. Poor Earl man, poor

Earl. It's always Earl. It's

Always Earl.

What did Earl do to you?

Right. But here's the thing, not just like, Hey, are they going to define it? You have the power to define it. Yeah. Second Timothy, chapter two, verse seven says, says, think over what I say. This is Paul speaking to Timothy, and he says, think over what I say. For the Lord will give you understanding in everything. If the relationship is ambiguous and you don't have understanding, and it's not clear, seek the Lord, and the Lord will give you clarity and then bring it to the relationship.

Yeah. You have to be true to yourself first. Ooh. You also have to realize like, Hey, do I have feelings? Am I progressing ahead of this person? Are we on track? And it's so much better to be honest with yourself and true to yourself, right. Before expecting that from somebody else. Oh, for

Sure.

So hey, if you have feelings for someone, get it out in the air. If it does, if it's not reciprocated, then now that's

Right. Here's another thing, another question you can ask yourself. Do I have unrealistic expectations? Not just them, but do I have, Hey, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Some of y'all like, what does that mean? If it's good for them, it's good for you.

Yeah.

There are too many people that are like, I want want a guy who is 6 2, 215 pounds, straight muscles, six pack, great job, makes $150,000 a year, is very ambitious. Ambitious, and has all this stuff. Here's the question. What are you doing? You want somebody with ambition, but do you have ambition? Are you lazy?

Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Whatever you expect of somebody else, expect of yourself first. Right? Don't expect all this stuff from this person, but then have unrealistic expectations even of yourself. Sure. You want him to have a six pack, but

I'm so glad.

I'm sorry. I'm made it now.

Thank you for not having that expectation.

I didn't have a six pack. I

Didn't have one either, so thank you. Thanks for not having that expectation. I appreciate that. Yeah. And Matthew, Matthew seven, two says, for the judgment you pronounce, you will be judged. Judged. And the measure you use that will be measured to you. Why do you see the spec that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye.

That's right.

And so, yeah, just having those expectations that are healthy, but also judging yourself according to those same expectations. Exactly. It prevents you from going into your relationship with an unhealthy degree of criticism.

Oh, exactly. Because

You'll take that into marriage as well.

Oh, you will. Yeah. Yeah. So when you have realistic expectations and bring those out to the table, what are we expecting out of this? What am I expecting from you and what are you expecting from me? Because a lot of times people will not talk about what they expect because they're afraid the other person will walk away or it's not going to work out. Let me, at some point that's going to come

Out

20 years later when we were dating,

I expected you to do better. Well, you never told me. And then they're up at the church having to meet with somebody because you had these unrealistic expectations. Sure. Here's another question you have to ask yourself, do I have accountability? Not just do they, but do I have accountability? Here's Hebrews chapter 10, verse number 24, and let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day drawing near when you live life in isolation without accountability, it's dangerous because you define where the lines are and you're not that good at it, not by yourself. You have to have people in your life that can hold you accountable that you submit. Here's the thing about accountability. You set that up.

Yeah.

Right. You as an individual have to pursue accountability. Well, I just can't find a mentor. Keep looking until somebody says yes. Yeah. Keep knocking, keep seeking. Keep asking for somebody that can invest in your life. You will find some. There are 8 million people in the world. Somebody going to say yes.

Yeah. And I think that's important too, as you do, if you do enter a dating relationship, I think a lot of times there can be this void of like, Hey, I'm single, but all my friends are dating. There's that divide of like, oh, hey, I can't hang out with them. No. Continue to hang out with them because you need those people to, there's things that you don't know until Right. Parenting, marriage, people could tell you until they're blue in the face, but until you get there, right? Then you realize, oh, hey, this is what they mean. And so staying around people that are already trying it, that are already in committed relationships so that they can pour into you in your singleness, is really important. It's really something that saved our relationship while we were in the throes of discussing religion and what Christianity looked like, right? We'd gotten to a place where we needed to reach out and have a come to Jesus meeting with what our walk looked like. And if it wasn't for these people edifying us and praying over us and pouring into our relation relationship, I don't know how that would've played out.

Right. And here's what I'll say. This is why it's very important that if you have good family relationships, have your family involved. Yeah. Now, the Christian principle of dating involves community. Now, the world will tell you, forget the community. Who cares what your family says? You ain't just marrying the person.

Not at all.

You're marrying the family. And so if you don't like the family while you're dating, it's probably going to get worse. Absolutely. After you get married, nobody got to say amen.

Don't say amen. But

Today's mother's day and how many arguments are happening right now that the good thing is our families were involved. Yeah. My parents, my brother, my sister-in-laws, your parents, your siblings for your siblings were young, but all the family was involved. So everybody knew what was happening. Right? And then outside of the family, we also had community that was involved. So as you're dating, make sure that you keep community around you. And let me say this, if you are married and you've been down the road, make yourself available to those who are entering in, into the relationship and be real with them. Don't just talk about the mountaintop experiences of marriage. Talk to them about the tough times. How many times you may enter into, whether you're dating or you're married, and you're like, man, does this happen to other people? Yeah. Then you realize they just didn't tell you. Right? Have that accountability. Yeah. Here's another question you should ask yourself. Am I vulnerable? Am I, A lot of times we expect other people to be vulnerable to us. The question is, are you also vulnerable? Have you made yourself available? Have you talked about your emotions, your feelings, what you expect? For me, vulnerability was not my jam, but five years ago, I went on a journey essentially to grow in vulnerability. And you've seen that. You’ve done a great job at that, that walk out. But man, I had some thick walls. I had the walls of Jericho. You know what I'm saying? Y'all can tell me about how you feel, but I ain't telling you how I feel. And it's just not good, because anytime you hold all that stuff in, it comes out in bad ways, right? Yes. So learn how to be vulnerable.

Yeah. Luke 12, two says, nothing is covered up. That will not be revealed or hidden, that will not be known. Therefore, whatever you have said in dark shall be heard in light. And what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.

Somebody needs to text this to some folks. Come on. Hey, I heard you talking. Yeah, that jives. Yeah. Check out Luke. Here's the thing. You're better off bringing into the light now and not hide that stuff because it's going to come out. The Bible already says it. The Bible says whatever you're doing in secret, it's coming out. So be vulnerable up front. Be willing to talk about things in the dating construct before you get into marriage. Because when you get into marriage, if you got secrets, let me tell you, they will destroy you. I remember one person telling me that anything that's done in the dark is not of God.

Yeah.

I'm going to let that one marinate. Yeah. Anything that's done in the dark is not of God, because we know God is a God of light. God is a God that he wants things to be revealed. Well, I'm embarrassed about it. I'm ashamed of it. That's okay. God already knows about

It. And you can't let your fear of rejection not allow you to show up often authentically in your relationship. Right? So a lot of times our fear is like, well, if I shared this part of myself, they may be gone. Right? Well, it's going to hurt, but it's going to hurt so much less. Doing it at the front and letting, giving them the opportunity to decide, instead of trying to control the narrative, get into a deeper relationship, and then reveal it. And then they feel some kind of way because it feels like entrapment. And then you feel rejected. And so it causes a lot of bitterness, right? So it's so much easier just to be like, this is me. This is where I'm at. God loves me. He's redeemed certain areas of my life that hurt. And you can love it or you can leave it,

Right? So speak those words. Because here's the thing, if they walk away because you're being authentic, let 'em walk away.

Let 'em walk.

Amen. Tell 'em by, open the door for 'em. Kick it. No, don't

Walk

Away. Away. Don't kick up. Don't kick up. You've been vulnerable. You don't want that person in your life. You want to be able to be open and honest with that person, and then receive you as you truly are. Here's the last question that you should ask yourself is Christ, number one in my life is Christ, number one, not in their life. You can't control their life, but you can't control yours is God, number one. If God is not number one, you will fall for all types of stuff. Matthew chapter six, verse 33 says this, but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Seek first. First, even as you're looking for somebody, don't go to Tinder first. Don't go to eHarmony first. Don't go to Pliny of fish first. Don't go to hinge first. Don't go to, keep

Going, keep going, keep

Going. I know the rest of them. Lemme tell you how bad this is. I had to look up how do people meet each other? Stop. Don't go there first. Go to God first. Yeah. See, first the kingdom of God. Seek God first, because God is probably working on the one that he intends for you to be with. Amen. So go to the source, seek God first, and then all this stuff will be added to you. If you enter into a dang relationship, and God is optional, it's not going to end up well because you need God.

And I feel like a lot of the issues that we have in our relationships, friendships, familial relationships, romantic relationships, all of those horizontal relationships, any of those struggles usually are a symptom of a glitch in your vertical relationship with God. So if it's like, Hey, I'm having a trouble with vulnerability, there's something probably there, right? With God that needs to be healed or redeemed or brought to light. So using that, Hey, God's at the center, and it's so much easier to navigate Sure. Relationships that way.

Sure. Yeah. So what we wanted to do is we're, we didn't want to get up here and talk about how you meet somebody and the specifics, because again, God will, if you trust the Lord, you've trusted him with your heart, you made yourself available, you can meet people in all types of different ways. It may be here at church, first of all, start here. How many singles we got in the house? Make some noise.

Hey, there we go.

So, you know, got options. Right?

So there are a lot of single people here, and a lot of them would like to be in a relationship. Some don't. And that's okay. Yeah. But some do. This is a great place to meet somebody, but be open to God revealing the one. Absolutely.

I was shopping for shoes when I met Chanice. Like we weren't intentionally like, okay, let's go, go meet up at the mall at, it literally was just, we were doing what we do in our own individual lives, seeking the kingdom of God, and then God brought us together. So that could be your story. So don't try to pigeonhole where you're going to meet somebody. Be open to that. So we didn't really want to talk about the specifics, but we do want to talk about, Hey, if you're going to date somebody in a Christian from a Christian perspective, here's some red flags. Here's some things that you should look out for. Here's some things that you should second guess a little bit, and then take some evaluation of yourself. Hey, let me evaluate myself to see. Listen, if you want to catch, you got to be a catch. Ooh,

That's a word. That's a word. You know what I'm saying? You were a catch.

Oh, you were too. Oh, nice. And I'm glad I caught you.

Oh, I'm glad to be caught.

I do very much love you.

I love you too.

And so it's, you have to be, if you want to catch, you got to be a catch. Right? Don't expect something of somebody else that you ain't willing to put their work in. Sure. Right. If you want somebody that's motivated, you got to be motivated. If you want somebody that has ambition, you got to have ambition. If you want somebody that's not lazy, you can't like, oh, if you're fine with someone lazy, then go ahead. Be lazy saying, but expect what you expect of yourself as well. Amen. And most of all, trust God.

Yeah,

Man, I'm however old. I wasn't about to say an age. God knows, and he knows the desires of your heart and pray, trust God. Be available. Also, here's a side note, don't be afraid to go meet some people.

Right?

Don't be afraid to tell somebody like, yo man, look out for me like I'm single. I'm looking for somebody. This is what I'm looking for. Be open to God connecting you with the right one. And He will. He will, and he will, absolutely. If you trust in him. Absolutely.

Let's pray. Heaven. Father, we thank you so much for your goodness. Yes. Thank you for all the singles that we have in this room, that are in this season, and maybe they are looking to somebody, or they may already be in a dating relationship or they'd like to get married. I pray that you would give them clear insights and vision on what a good, healthy relationship should be, and if there's any funkiness there, I pray that you'd give 'em the strength to just break it off God, that you would let them see their own worth in your eyes, God, and that they would not just fall, pray to whoever's available, but that they would truly, truly, truly seek you first and depend on you. We thank you so much, God, for what you're doing in the lives of all of our singles and those that are dating and even our married folks. Lord, I pray that in all the marriages, God, that you would rekindle that fire, that connection, Lord God, that they would see the fun in marriage, that they would enjoy dating again, that they would enjoy the nuances, God of getting to know each other again, I thank you, Lord God, for your grace in your mercy, keep your hand in protection and grace on all of the mothers here today. We give your name, the praise and the glory, in Jesus name. Amen. Amen. God bless you.